Blog Shift

Hey--

For ease and comfort, we're now blogging at Rise Over Run Magazine.


Our specific blog is here.

In a Cost-Cutting Move, Non-Fired Fired Employee to Receive Car

Gene Tice, who was fired but not fired as part of The Western™’s budget cuts, will be provided with several vehicles to ease his transition to his new job as head of Owensboro campus.

While many thought Tice had been fired a few hours after flipping pancakes with President Ransdell in the spring, he was merely transferred, apparently to get him as far away from other pancake-flipping events as possible. Still, his exalted status as the director of a satellite campus entitles him to car at The Western™’s expense, even in these times of a tight budget.

"This really shows the The Western™ is all about taking care of its own," commented President Ransdell. "Many people probably thought that when I said we were eliminating Gene Tice's position, that I meant we'd be saving some salary money by, well, eliminating a position. No way, Jose. What I meant was that I was going to shuffle some people around so that it appeared as if we are saving money."

To help ease the long commute to the most important satellite campus that Western™'s operates in Daviess county, the Western™ will also provide a personal golf cart for Tice to get from his car to the front door of the Administration building, a Rascal for him to get from the door of the building to the door of his office, a Segway to move from his office door to his chair, and a refurbished sex swing to move from the Segway to his office chair.

Tice is in talks to receive a pogo stick for use in random inspections around campus.

New Student Regent to Push for Revised Grading System

The new Student Regent plans to push for a new grading system beginning this semester. “For several years now we students have tried to have our voices heard, but to no avail. The time has come!” said newly-elected Student Regent Ronald Reagan Gilley.

“Those weak-kneed, lily-livered SGA representatives simply couldn’t get anything done,” he continued. “Now,” he said, “there’s a new sheriff in town.” Gilley said that he would push the SGA to craft a new kind of grading system that more clearly reflects student effort and achievement, while at the same time giving professors the flexibility they need.

The SGA, according to Gilley, will propose that the current system be scrapped in favor of a more complex system that will provide gradations within each grade-letter. For example, according to faux-British-person and SGA rep Skylar Jordan, under the current system a professor can award a “B” to a student regardless of whether they get an 80 or an 89. “I’d like to point out that an 89 is very close to an A, but our current grading system doesn’t allow a professor to recognize that higher grade,” Jordan explained, speaking in a faux-British accent. “Also,” he continued, “someone who gets an 89 and an 80 get the same grade right now. That’s bollocks.”

While the Gilley currently does not have a solution to the problem, there is broad agreement that something needs to be done. “If only there were some way to mark off the difference between, say, a high-B and a low-B; a high-C and a low-C, this would be much more fair to students,” Gilley mused. “Perhaps if grades could be subdivided into thirds,” he said, her voice trailing off into a thoughtful whisper, “we might have something there.”

Resignations in SGA Leadership Brings New Focus on Action

The resignations of Student Government Association President Johnathon Boles and Chief Justice Lisa Kappler in the past few weeks have given the SGA a rare chance to re-focus its efforts on issues that matter, according to new SGA president Kayla Shelton.

"Those people were slackers. We now have direction, focus, and a renewed attention to bold action," Shelton commented. "The new, improved SGA is going to be about solving problems, serious problems," she continued.

"Our first step will be to try to get more bike racks installed, then perhaps to organize a rally for something, and then maybe to pass out those squeezy stress balls that people like so much. Then, maybe we'll do up some bus stops."

"After that, who knows. In the past the SGA has been an organization to be feared. Just look at the influence and power we have on this campus. The sky's the limit."

Weather Disaster Update

We at the Big Red Tool feel that it is our duty to keep the public informed as Kentucky endures the worst natural disaster in recent memory. As such, we've decided to post a letter from this morning's Daily News that uncovers why Bowling Green got off so lucky when the storms hit. John P. Blackburn (pictured) explains it all:

“The lack of any significant snow in recent years is distressing to my grandchildren, though not much to those in my age group.

This is how I explain it to them. The legislature was requested to establish a no snow zone for Warren County and surrounding areas after the hard winters of the late 1970s. This was done and is still in effect today.

The National Weather Service maintains a rapid response team which is dispatched to set up a force field around Warren County in the event of a winter storm warning.

This is funded by Kroger Company, the Parent company of the National Weather Service.

The advantage to Kroger is that shelves are cleaned of milk, bread and other supplies whenever a warning is issued. School systems also benefit by declaring a holiday.

I see little likelihood of change anytime soon since the legislature is largely composed of people in my age group.

John P. Blackburn
Bowling Green”

Breaking News: South Campus to be Sold

In a long-expected announcement this morning, President Ransdell confirmed that The Western™ plans to auction the South Campus Community College in the next few weeks. Ransdell explained "The current financial crisis calls for some drastic re-ordering of our priorities. There's no way we can continue to fund our operations without a quick infusion of cash."

Local auctioneers "Absolute Auction" will handle the sale. "We believe that selling that educational unit will net something in the range of one to two million dollars."

Ransdell indicated that most of the money will be spent on new sculptures for the main campus, including a 20-foot tall statue of Big Red that will be installed in front of the Preston Center.

The Western™ plans to offer up the soda machines, all the office equipment, most of the faculty, and naming rights. The auction will not include the property itself, which will continue to house DELO and will also be renovated to make room for a mall.

Breaking News: The Western™ Closed, Monday January 26

In a cost-cutting measure intended to offset budgetary problems, The Western™ has canceled classes for Monday, January 26. Faculty and staff are asked to remain at home, although critical administrators, such as President Ransdell, his office associates, his attorney, and the Subway Sandwiches at DUC are asked to work as normal. "Hey!!!--a man's gotta eat," Ransdell commented.



Opening The Western™ for classes is being evaluated on a day-to-day basis. "We'll know whether there will be classes Tuesday at some point on Monday afternoon. We're reevaluating the budget every few minutes," Ransdell said, as he and Deborah Wilkins prepared the cigars and caviar for the upcoming Board of Regents Meeting.

Board of Regents Prepares for Jan. 30th Meeting

The The Western™ Board of Regents (pictured at left) is preparing for its January 30th meeting. The Board plans to discuss a wide range of topics, and has released the agenda to the public. We reproduce it here for you edification:

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1. 9:00 - 9:05- Making an Offer to Retain a Worthless Dean We Wish Would Have Just Taken His Other Job Offer and Left


2. 9:05 - 9:06- Discussion of How We're Going to Raid the Budget to Put Money Into the Raise Pool So Gary Can Look Good


3. 9:06 - 9:30- English Department Presentation on Meaning of "Robbing Peter to Pay Paul"


4. 9:30 - 10:00- We're in HOW MUCH Debt?


5. 10:00 - 10:15- Hey, How's That Division I Football Thing Working Out?


6. 10:15 - 10:16- It's Academics' Turn


7. 10:16 - 10:45- Discussion of Bake Sale to Fund Academics


8. 10:45 - 10:45- Roundtable Discussion: What Are Our Priorities?


9. 10:45 - 11:00- Roundtable Discussion: What's for Lunch?


10. 11:00 - 2:00- Catered Lunch Break [With the Kind of Food Marriot Never Serves the Rest of Us]


11. 2:00 - 2:30- Discussion of How Much We Love Gary


12. 2:30 - 3:00- Follow-up Discussion of How Much We Love Gary


13. 2:30 - 2:31- Debate on President Ransdell's Proposals


14. 2:31- Distribution and Reading of Action Items


15. 2:31- Passage of Everything Pres. Ransdell Asks For


16. 2:31- Roundtable Discussion: Reflection on Total Abdication of Our Oversight Duties as Regents


17. 2:31 - 3:50- Tea, Cookies (Macaroons, which are easy on the dentures)


18. 3:50 - 3:59- Vote to Rename DUC the "Lisa Sparxx Student Success Center" After Locally-Born Entrepreneur


19. 3: 59 - 4:00- Discussion of Fiscal Priorities (time permitting)


20. 4:00- Adjournment, with plenty of self-congratulatory backslapping

At Graduation, Ransdell Claims to "Speak for the Trees"

At the fall graduation ceremony Saturday morning, WKU President Gary Ransdell described himself as a “Lorax” and announced that he “speaks for the trees.”

Earlier in the semester, Western’s public relations officials announced the construction of WKU’s first LEED-certified, environmentally-friendly structure, the new College of Education building.

At graduation, Dr. Ransdell explained, “We’re doing something special here for the environment. Western will ‘build green’ for the sake of future generations of students, Brown Bar-ba-loots, and Swomee-Swans.”

According to the plans submitted to the U.S. Green Building Council, which bestows LEED certification, WKU plans to surround the new, green College of Ed. building with asphalt parking lots. “Nevertheless, not a single tuft of any silky, soft Truffula tree will be harmed” during the blacktopping process, claimed Dr. Ransdell.

The President concluded, “Western is committed to building in an environmentally conscious manner. No Thneed-sewing Once-ler’s going to divert Western from its green future.”

Graduates and their families had no idea what the hell Ransdell was talking about.

GOAT INCIDENT SHOCKS HISTORY DEPARTMENT

In a stunning piece of news, several faculty from The Western™’s Department of History have been taken into custody Saturday morning, following the reported hazing of new faculty. Late Friday night members of the History Department were caught in the basement of Cherry Hall with four cases of size-"extra small" condoms, a case of beer, a copy of the Kama Sutra, and a goat of unknown breed.

An examination of the goat revealed no clear evidence of sexual abuse, but University officials are nonetheless taking the situation seriously.

As part of the disciplinary action meted out by The Western™’s Compliance Officer, the Department of History will be placed on suspension for three years, will be unable to hire new faculty or recruit majors for four years, and will have to perform one thousand hours of non-farm-related community service.

While some in the History Department called this an isolated incident, several professors from Ogden College had another view. “I’m not surprised in the least,” commented two instructors. “They were always hanging around the pens down at the Farm, asking what animal ‘husbandry’ meant, about the mating habits of chickens, and a lot of other stuff. When I asked them how that related to history, they’d mumble something about engagement, and run off.”

Officials in Wetherby declined to comment for this story.

Breaking News!! SGA’S Johnathon Boles Announces Suspension of His Presidency

Just for you toolers following the blog, we have this incredible story, just coming out of The Western™.

In a stunning move, SGA president Johnathon Boles today announced that he will suspend his term of office immediately so that he can head to Washington to work on the nation’s financial crisis. The collapse of Wall Street, and the banking, credit, and mortgage industries caused the Elizabethtown, Kentucky, senior to see his role in governance in a completely different light.

“I think I can be of service,” Boles commented, as he finished placing some clothes, a security blanket, and his stuffed penguin “Snuggles” into a small travel bag. “The student body at The Western™ is more than 19,000 strong, which is twice as big as the town of Wasilla, Alaska.”

Boles believes that he can be helpful dealing with a wide variety of budget problems, questions about parking, any kind of staff retreats the Congress might wish to set up, and bike racks. He said that he also feels qualified to help with both life-cycle and infinite-horizon growth models related to marginal tax rates on labor and capital income. “I once registered for an Econ class,” Boles said. When it was pointed out that he had dropped it before the first midterm, Boles noted that he had a pretty heavy load that semester.

Provost Barbara Burch praised Boles' action. “We couldn’t be prouder of our little Johnny,” she exclaimed. “He’s come so far since those first years.” The Provost also noted that Boles would be eligible for “Credit for Learning” credit. “Depending on what kind of work he does, he could receive up to three credits towards graduation for helping solve the worst financial crisis to hit our country since the 1930s.” When asked to clarify how that might work, the Provost reflected that a sliding scale of one to three credit hours could be tied to the nature of the solution. “He could get three credits if he solves the problem in its entirety, two if credit default swap market issues continue to drag the economy further into recession or a Depression, and only one if the economy goes into a tailspin, millions are forced out of work, and the US is forced to sell the Dakotas to the Chinese in order to finance our debt.”

Others were not as impressed. “The SGA president doesn’t do much, anyway,” commented one student, “I don’t see what’s the big deal.” Still others interviewed for this story weren’t sure who Boles was, what the SGA did, or even, in some cases, that there was an SGA.

Greetings!!

Look, there's just way to much going on here at The Western™ for a monthly magazine. So in response to more than 4 million queries by our fans, we've decided to create a blog. This will allow us to keep tabs on the goings-on at The Western™ much more efficiently.

The main contributors to this blog are an anonymous mix of students, faculty, and staff. If you'd like to become a regular "main section" contributor, just get a gmail account and send us a note. We'll sign you on.

However, our fair readers also have the option of commenting either with a username or anonymously--but it's up to you to make sure you post anonymously if you want to. Please remember, this is a space for poking fun at anything that anyone takes seriously. But profanity (not necessarily vulgarity) will get you banned. As will being a tool.

Have fun.




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