Breaking News!! SGA’S Johnathon Boles Announces Suspension of His Presidency

Just for you toolers following the blog, we have this incredible story, just coming out of The Western™.

In a stunning move, SGA president Johnathon Boles today announced that he will suspend his term of office immediately so that he can head to Washington to work on the nation’s financial crisis. The collapse of Wall Street, and the banking, credit, and mortgage industries caused the Elizabethtown, Kentucky, senior to see his role in governance in a completely different light.

“I think I can be of service,” Boles commented, as he finished placing some clothes, a security blanket, and his stuffed penguin “Snuggles” into a small travel bag. “The student body at The Western™ is more than 19,000 strong, which is twice as big as the town of Wasilla, Alaska.”

Boles believes that he can be helpful dealing with a wide variety of budget problems, questions about parking, any kind of staff retreats the Congress might wish to set up, and bike racks. He said that he also feels qualified to help with both life-cycle and infinite-horizon growth models related to marginal tax rates on labor and capital income. “I once registered for an Econ class,” Boles said. When it was pointed out that he had dropped it before the first midterm, Boles noted that he had a pretty heavy load that semester.

Provost Barbara Burch praised Boles' action. “We couldn’t be prouder of our little Johnny,” she exclaimed. “He’s come so far since those first years.” The Provost also noted that Boles would be eligible for “Credit for Learning” credit. “Depending on what kind of work he does, he could receive up to three credits towards graduation for helping solve the worst financial crisis to hit our country since the 1930s.” When asked to clarify how that might work, the Provost reflected that a sliding scale of one to three credit hours could be tied to the nature of the solution. “He could get three credits if he solves the problem in its entirety, two if credit default swap market issues continue to drag the economy further into recession or a Depression, and only one if the economy goes into a tailspin, millions are forced out of work, and the US is forced to sell the Dakotas to the Chinese in order to finance our debt.”

Others were not as impressed. “The SGA president doesn’t do much, anyway,” commented one student, “I don’t see what’s the big deal.” Still others interviewed for this story weren’t sure who Boles was, what the SGA did, or even, in some cases, that there was an SGA.