At Graduation, Ransdell Claims to "Speak for the Trees"

At the fall graduation ceremony Saturday morning, WKU President Gary Ransdell described himself as a “Lorax” and announced that he “speaks for the trees.”

Earlier in the semester, Western’s public relations officials announced the construction of WKU’s first LEED-certified, environmentally-friendly structure, the new College of Education building.

At graduation, Dr. Ransdell explained, “We’re doing something special here for the environment. Western will ‘build green’ for the sake of future generations of students, Brown Bar-ba-loots, and Swomee-Swans.”

According to the plans submitted to the U.S. Green Building Council, which bestows LEED certification, WKU plans to surround the new, green College of Ed. building with asphalt parking lots. “Nevertheless, not a single tuft of any silky, soft Truffula tree will be harmed” during the blacktopping process, claimed Dr. Ransdell.

The President concluded, “Western is committed to building in an environmentally conscious manner. No Thneed-sewing Once-ler’s going to divert Western from its green future.”

Graduates and their families had no idea what the hell Ransdell was talking about.

GOAT INCIDENT SHOCKS HISTORY DEPARTMENT

In a stunning piece of news, several faculty from The Western™’s Department of History have been taken into custody Saturday morning, following the reported hazing of new faculty. Late Friday night members of the History Department were caught in the basement of Cherry Hall with four cases of size-"extra small" condoms, a case of beer, a copy of the Kama Sutra, and a goat of unknown breed.

An examination of the goat revealed no clear evidence of sexual abuse, but University officials are nonetheless taking the situation seriously.

As part of the disciplinary action meted out by The Western™’s Compliance Officer, the Department of History will be placed on suspension for three years, will be unable to hire new faculty or recruit majors for four years, and will have to perform one thousand hours of non-farm-related community service.

While some in the History Department called this an isolated incident, several professors from Ogden College had another view. “I’m not surprised in the least,” commented two instructors. “They were always hanging around the pens down at the Farm, asking what animal ‘husbandry’ meant, about the mating habits of chickens, and a lot of other stuff. When I asked them how that related to history, they’d mumble something about engagement, and run off.”

Officials in Wetherby declined to comment for this story.

Breaking News!! SGA’S Johnathon Boles Announces Suspension of His Presidency

Just for you toolers following the blog, we have this incredible story, just coming out of The Western™.

In a stunning move, SGA president Johnathon Boles today announced that he will suspend his term of office immediately so that he can head to Washington to work on the nation’s financial crisis. The collapse of Wall Street, and the banking, credit, and mortgage industries caused the Elizabethtown, Kentucky, senior to see his role in governance in a completely different light.

“I think I can be of service,” Boles commented, as he finished placing some clothes, a security blanket, and his stuffed penguin “Snuggles” into a small travel bag. “The student body at The Western™ is more than 19,000 strong, which is twice as big as the town of Wasilla, Alaska.”

Boles believes that he can be helpful dealing with a wide variety of budget problems, questions about parking, any kind of staff retreats the Congress might wish to set up, and bike racks. He said that he also feels qualified to help with both life-cycle and infinite-horizon growth models related to marginal tax rates on labor and capital income. “I once registered for an Econ class,” Boles said. When it was pointed out that he had dropped it before the first midterm, Boles noted that he had a pretty heavy load that semester.

Provost Barbara Burch praised Boles' action. “We couldn’t be prouder of our little Johnny,” she exclaimed. “He’s come so far since those first years.” The Provost also noted that Boles would be eligible for “Credit for Learning” credit. “Depending on what kind of work he does, he could receive up to three credits towards graduation for helping solve the worst financial crisis to hit our country since the 1930s.” When asked to clarify how that might work, the Provost reflected that a sliding scale of one to three credit hours could be tied to the nature of the solution. “He could get three credits if he solves the problem in its entirety, two if credit default swap market issues continue to drag the economy further into recession or a Depression, and only one if the economy goes into a tailspin, millions are forced out of work, and the US is forced to sell the Dakotas to the Chinese in order to finance our debt.”

Others were not as impressed. “The SGA president doesn’t do much, anyway,” commented one student, “I don’t see what’s the big deal.” Still others interviewed for this story weren’t sure who Boles was, what the SGA did, or even, in some cases, that there was an SGA.

Greetings!!

Look, there's just way to much going on here at The Western™ for a monthly magazine. So in response to more than 4 million queries by our fans, we've decided to create a blog. This will allow us to keep tabs on the goings-on at The Western™ much more efficiently.

The main contributors to this blog are an anonymous mix of students, faculty, and staff. If you'd like to become a regular "main section" contributor, just get a gmail account and send us a note. We'll sign you on.

However, our fair readers also have the option of commenting either with a username or anonymously--but it's up to you to make sure you post anonymously if you want to. Please remember, this is a space for poking fun at anything that anyone takes seriously. But profanity (not necessarily vulgarity) will get you banned. As will being a tool.

Have fun.




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