New Student Regent to Push for Revised Grading System

The new Student Regent plans to push for a new grading system beginning this semester. “For several years now we students have tried to have our voices heard, but to no avail. The time has come!” said newly-elected Student Regent Ronald Reagan Gilley.

“Those weak-kneed, lily-livered SGA representatives simply couldn’t get anything done,” he continued. “Now,” he said, “there’s a new sheriff in town.” Gilley said that he would push the SGA to craft a new kind of grading system that more clearly reflects student effort and achievement, while at the same time giving professors the flexibility they need.

The SGA, according to Gilley, will propose that the current system be scrapped in favor of a more complex system that will provide gradations within each grade-letter. For example, according to faux-British-person and SGA rep Skylar Jordan, under the current system a professor can award a “B” to a student regardless of whether they get an 80 or an 89. “I’d like to point out that an 89 is very close to an A, but our current grading system doesn’t allow a professor to recognize that higher grade,” Jordan explained, speaking in a faux-British accent. “Also,” he continued, “someone who gets an 89 and an 80 get the same grade right now. That’s bollocks.”

While the Gilley currently does not have a solution to the problem, there is broad agreement that something needs to be done. “If only there were some way to mark off the difference between, say, a high-B and a low-B; a high-C and a low-C, this would be much more fair to students,” Gilley mused. “Perhaps if grades could be subdivided into thirds,” he said, her voice trailing off into a thoughtful whisper, “we might have something there.”

Resignations in SGA Leadership Brings New Focus on Action

The resignations of Student Government Association President Johnathon Boles and Chief Justice Lisa Kappler in the past few weeks have given the SGA a rare chance to re-focus its efforts on issues that matter, according to new SGA president Kayla Shelton.

"Those people were slackers. We now have direction, focus, and a renewed attention to bold action," Shelton commented. "The new, improved SGA is going to be about solving problems, serious problems," she continued.

"Our first step will be to try to get more bike racks installed, then perhaps to organize a rally for something, and then maybe to pass out those squeezy stress balls that people like so much. Then, maybe we'll do up some bus stops."

"After that, who knows. In the past the SGA has been an organization to be feared. Just look at the influence and power we have on this campus. The sky's the limit."

Weather Disaster Update

We at the Big Red Tool feel that it is our duty to keep the public informed as Kentucky endures the worst natural disaster in recent memory. As such, we've decided to post a letter from this morning's Daily News that uncovers why Bowling Green got off so lucky when the storms hit. John P. Blackburn (pictured) explains it all:

“The lack of any significant snow in recent years is distressing to my grandchildren, though not much to those in my age group.

This is how I explain it to them. The legislature was requested to establish a no snow zone for Warren County and surrounding areas after the hard winters of the late 1970s. This was done and is still in effect today.

The National Weather Service maintains a rapid response team which is dispatched to set up a force field around Warren County in the event of a winter storm warning.

This is funded by Kroger Company, the Parent company of the National Weather Service.

The advantage to Kroger is that shelves are cleaned of milk, bread and other supplies whenever a warning is issued. School systems also benefit by declaring a holiday.

I see little likelihood of change anytime soon since the legislature is largely composed of people in my age group.

John P. Blackburn
Bowling Green”

Breaking News: South Campus to be Sold

In a long-expected announcement this morning, President Ransdell confirmed that The Western™ plans to auction the South Campus Community College in the next few weeks. Ransdell explained "The current financial crisis calls for some drastic re-ordering of our priorities. There's no way we can continue to fund our operations without a quick infusion of cash."

Local auctioneers "Absolute Auction" will handle the sale. "We believe that selling that educational unit will net something in the range of one to two million dollars."

Ransdell indicated that most of the money will be spent on new sculptures for the main campus, including a 20-foot tall statue of Big Red that will be installed in front of the Preston Center.

The Western™ plans to offer up the soda machines, all the office equipment, most of the faculty, and naming rights. The auction will not include the property itself, which will continue to house DELO and will also be renovated to make room for a mall.