Breaking News: The Western™ Closed, Monday January 26

In a cost-cutting measure intended to offset budgetary problems, The Western™ has canceled classes for Monday, January 26. Faculty and staff are asked to remain at home, although critical administrators, such as President Ransdell, his office associates, his attorney, and the Subway Sandwiches at DUC are asked to work as normal. "Hey!!!--a man's gotta eat," Ransdell commented.



Opening The Western™ for classes is being evaluated on a day-to-day basis. "We'll know whether there will be classes Tuesday at some point on Monday afternoon. We're reevaluating the budget every few minutes," Ransdell said, as he and Deborah Wilkins prepared the cigars and caviar for the upcoming Board of Regents Meeting.

Board of Regents Prepares for Jan. 30th Meeting

The The Western™ Board of Regents (pictured at left) is preparing for its January 30th meeting. The Board plans to discuss a wide range of topics, and has released the agenda to the public. We reproduce it here for you edification:

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1. 9:00 - 9:05- Making an Offer to Retain a Worthless Dean We Wish Would Have Just Taken His Other Job Offer and Left


2. 9:05 - 9:06- Discussion of How We're Going to Raid the Budget to Put Money Into the Raise Pool So Gary Can Look Good


3. 9:06 - 9:30- English Department Presentation on Meaning of "Robbing Peter to Pay Paul"


4. 9:30 - 10:00- We're in HOW MUCH Debt?


5. 10:00 - 10:15- Hey, How's That Division I Football Thing Working Out?


6. 10:15 - 10:16- It's Academics' Turn


7. 10:16 - 10:45- Discussion of Bake Sale to Fund Academics


8. 10:45 - 10:45- Roundtable Discussion: What Are Our Priorities?


9. 10:45 - 11:00- Roundtable Discussion: What's for Lunch?


10. 11:00 - 2:00- Catered Lunch Break [With the Kind of Food Marriot Never Serves the Rest of Us]


11. 2:00 - 2:30- Discussion of How Much We Love Gary


12. 2:30 - 3:00- Follow-up Discussion of How Much We Love Gary


13. 2:30 - 2:31- Debate on President Ransdell's Proposals


14. 2:31- Distribution and Reading of Action Items


15. 2:31- Passage of Everything Pres. Ransdell Asks For


16. 2:31- Roundtable Discussion: Reflection on Total Abdication of Our Oversight Duties as Regents


17. 2:31 - 3:50- Tea, Cookies (Macaroons, which are easy on the dentures)


18. 3:50 - 3:59- Vote to Rename DUC the "Lisa Sparxx Student Success Center" After Locally-Born Entrepreneur


19. 3: 59 - 4:00- Discussion of Fiscal Priorities (time permitting)


20. 4:00- Adjournment, with plenty of self-congratulatory backslapping